I birthed 4 children. They are amazing. They are probably my greatest achievement.
But at each of their births, I never would have known all the joy and pain that each one, in there own way, would inflict upon me. The journey that they as individuals would take and how I would fit into each journey could never have been predicted. To anticipate or expect who they would grow into or how they would strive has only created angst and heartache in me. Trying to take credit for the good and blame for the bad - is a struggle every parent faces and it has plagued me for years.
But parents have dreams and expectations for our kids. And we want what is best for them. So even the pain doesn't keep us from trying to guide them and protect them. It doesn't keep us from hoping and hurting. It doesn't keep us from parenting or feeling like a failed parent.
What those dreams should do is give us an open mind. A new perspective on life from the eyes of that child. It should give us hope that they can do it their way and still succeed. It should give us joy when they still love us after all our mistakes.
In 2015 I birthed LIVEEQUAL. It is now my 5th child.
I love it. I have expectations for it. I have dreams of what it can be.
But trying to anticipate and predict where it will go and how it will evolve has created great angst in me. The push to force it down a specific path is futile and some days I feel like a failed parent.
It seems that LIVEEQUAL breathes on its own. And just like my other 4 children, it has shown me that it has it's own journey. And how I fit into that journey isn't always clear The joy and pain I have experienced in the ups and downs of a start up business have been very parallel to raising my kids.
Children grow, change and make decisions, some we like and some we don't. LIVEEQUAL has done that too. I find myself having great expectations for it, but being angry when those expectations aren't met. But one of the reasons I know LIVEEQUAL is destined to be another great achievement of mine, is after many days of not being my best parenting self, I wake up and it presents me with an open mind, a new perspective and hope that it can be it's own thing and still succeed.
So, today I write because LIVEEQUAL is growing, and changing and the journey it has to take is LONG. And even if I don't feel worthy to have been it's birth mom, I am amazed at how it is blooming. And although I know the path is uncertain and most definitely will have bumps, it will not keep me from trying, hoping or parenting and waiting to see where it goes.