It could have gone differently....Happy Birthday Son!
October 23, 2018
ABUSE - like being buried in shards of glass!
February 23, 2017
I believe if you are still, God can talk to you….. Yesterday someone posted an article that clearly had meaning for her but she would have no idea how much meaning it would have for me and I want to tell you about it.
My journey to find myself and escape my abuser has been long and tumultuous and the steps to healing have not been easy. Every step has made me stronger and LIVE EQUAL is a huge part of that journey.
I am proud of where I am now where my emotional health is concerned. But sometimes there is a step that is so hard to master that it takes more than normal to get my brain wrapped around it.
That is where I am. I can’t seem to make peace with the fact that I was so blind about people and specifically one person that I still struggle every day to forgive myself and tell myself “I am enough.”
So when I clicked on the article and I read it (see the link above), it certainly hit a cord…so I decided to read it again. Afterwards, I was reminded of how far I have come…but how much further I still have to go. I have learned so much but I still want to learn more.
What I learned today is this:
I WAS ABUSED BY A SADISTIC ABUSIVE MANIPULATIVE NARCISSIST!
It certainly isn’t a simple story or a simple reason for how I got there or why I stayed, but for many years I struggled and tried to make sense of it all. For many years I agonized for the sake of marriage, children and more. And after several years of healing….I am just now ready to say:
IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!!!!
But somehow, every time I give myself the courage to say those words above, I take just as much time to question whether or not I made it all up or somehow just didn’t try hard enough.
What is crazy is: that is exactly what abuse does....and it what an abuser is looking for.
It's got a term for it: it's called “GAS LIGHTING” - look it up. And is the #1 tactic that all sadistic, sociopathic narcissists use on their victims.
I also want to say something else:
I am a codependent – yep! Look it up too.
Not good. Certainly not anyone else’s fault that I took on that role, but acknowledging it has been important for me to heal.
You see, I hate the word victim. I don’t really believe in it. I think that’s because the narcissist paints themselves as a victim to further abuse people. So in my mind that made me like them. But no one would ever deny that a “child” can be a victim and I think that is where my emotional abuse started. So to be fair….I think I was already a victim when I met my narcissist.
But I have always been so hard on myself for even considering that I was a victim. The truth: I am a victim....nope....I WAS a victim!!!!
So, if you have read down this far and are waiting for me to say something enlightening or earth shattering about how to change a narcissist, or feel good about yourself during the abuse, then stop now and go do something else. The narcissists CANNOT change. It is counter intuitive.
But if you want to keep reading and find out what I have learned from being a victim of a narcissist, then …then this is it:
I AM ENOUGH – so are you, even if you don’t believe it right now!
IT’S NOT MY FAULT- nor is it yours, even if they tell you it is!
I CAN HEAL! – so can you, even if you’re not sure how!
I WAS NOT ALONE- neither are you, even if they try to isolate you!
I WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO GET OUT- so can you, even if you don’t see the way!
So now what? If you think you live with a narcissist, I want to encourage you to rise up and escape! Uncover your heart from the shards of glass they buried you under and go find some help. Once you have found help and your cuts have scarred over, show those scars to others so you can help people just like us. Then give yourself time to heal. And never stop learning.
Copy and paste the link to read more. http://tcat.tc/297GhKs